Those Pesky Spies

I wonder whose leg Jairo Leal is pulling?

Brazilian spies report on Socceroos

Weighty files on Brazil's World Cup rivals, including the Socceroos, will be handed over to coach Carlos Alberto Parreira this week in a sign the champions are leaving no stone unturned in pursuit of a successful defence of their title.

The dossiers were compiled by Jairo dos Santos and Jairo Leal - the two 'spies' commissioned by the Brazil Football Federation to undertake the information gathering exercise.

"It's incredible, Jairo dos Santos has carried out painstaking work on all the teams," Jairo Leal told the O Estado de Sao Paulo newspaper.

"He shows where the player comes from, his age, his weight, and how he's played over the past few matches. He's put together an extensive file."

Incredible work, indeed. These comments must have been spoken like a true spy, with a deadpan facial expression and suggestive raising of the eyebrows. If such a dossier exists, I imagine it contains quite a bit more information than one could extract from the latest version of the Football Manager computer game!

A cursory glance of this relatively cheap data repository tells us that Harry Kewell was born in Sydney, Australia on September 22, 1978. He is 181 cm tall and weighs in at a rippling 75 kg. Kewell has played for Leeds and Liverpool in the English Premiership. We can deduce that Kewell is a winger with a penchant for the dribble. He can cross and shoot with equal effectiveness. His distribution is comparable with a high quality central midfielder. His work rate is average but, his movement off the ball is exceptional. Above all, he is a highly creative and skillful player on the ball. Weaknesses include a tendency to lack concentration and determination in meaningless games, occasionally catching himself out of position, and a defensive game that doesn't stand up to his attacking prowess. He is not the best corner taker nor a distinct threat from the free kick. Using my extensive insider knowledge of world football amassed from countless years 'spying' on the game, I note that Kewell was last seen cracking a fantastic left-footed goal on the volley in front of the Kop.

Not so painstaking, even with the minor subjective embellishments. Of course, the game could tell us just as much about Ricky Diaco, but some things have to be kept in perspective around here...